For this post I want to talk about balance.
Working full-time and being a mom, I have struggled with finding the right balance between both gigs. I have previously worked to the point of overtime hours- this week I am only working four days. And it seems that no matter what I do, I feel guilty. There are so many “shoulds” floating around in my head: I should be working more; I should be making more money so I can get out of debt; I should be more successful at my job; I should be a “team player” and pull my own weight so all of my coworkers don’t think I am slacking.
But the other “shoulds” in my head are saying I should be spending more time with my daughter; I should focus on being a mom as much as possible; I should make healthier meals; I should worry less about money and more about memories; I should take advantage of my time or next thing I know she’ll be grown up; I should be there for her.
And the sad and funny thing is that I think all of these “shoulds” are true.
But instead of actually meeting any of these expectations, I am mediocre at both.
There is no possible way for me to do it all.
I can not.
I know it is the nature of my situation, but let me tell you, it is a struggle. It is hard to feel that no matter what, you can’t win. I go to work, and I will never consistently be the top sales person because I simply don’t have the time to devote to going the extra mile. And I worry about whether my bosses think I’m a valuable employee. And then I pick Brynlie up from daycare, and I worry about how the only time I ever seem to get with her is two hours before bed, which is rushing, rushing, rushing to get done with dinner and homework and bath and books and prayers.
And so it goes, day after day after day. When I do get opportunities to travel or do something for myself, I wonder if I should sacrifice my time with her when it is already spread so thin. What is the right thing? And how often is it okay?
I know that this isn’t a feeling unique to me, or to single moms- I’m sure it is something every mom deals with on one level or another. I don’t have all the answers, but I do hope that Heavenly Father sees my efforts and will help make up for the ways that I lack. And I do hope that she grows up and appreciates, or at least understands, why I spent so much time away from home. And of course I hope that sooner than later I can finally stop working, and give her the quality time that she deserves, but until that time, I’m sure I’ll keep struggling to find a balance. Tips welcome.